Finding the Joy Inside

“Find the place inside where there’s joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.”  Joseph Campbell

My entire life I have struggled with bouts of depression caused by the pain of my past and present.  Fortunately I always find a way to reach out of my depths of despair by utilizin love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance. I need to find my bliss, something that Joseph Campbell (1988), mythologist, author, and lecturer discussed in The Power of Myth, “If you follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. Wherever you are—if you are following your bliss, you are enjoying that refreshment, that life within you, all the time” (p.113)

So, how do I find my joy?  How do I figure out what I am passionate about enough to follow my bliss?  I found a great article that poses and defines eight great questions and the creators that posed them.  “Find Your Passion With These 8 Thought -Provoking Questions” by Warren Burger.

1. What is your tennis ball?  (Drew Houston)
2. What are you doing when you feel most beautiful? (Jacqueline Novogratz)
3. What is something you believe that almost nobody agees with you? (Peter Thiel)
4. What are your superpowers? (Keith Yamashita)
5. What did you do for fun when you were 10 years old? (Gretchen Rubin)
6. What are you willing to try now? (Herminia Ibarra)
7. Looking back on your career (for me it will be my life), 20 to 30 years from now, what do you want to have accomplished? (Jeff Weiner)
8. What is your sentence? (Daniel Pink)

I have some questions to ponder!!!!

 

Time Heals all Wounds?

Last year I wrote a post about the “Monsters in my closet“.  Certain current events brought this post to mind.

Mom had found the perfect spot for our tent, down the hill close to the lake.  Picturesque, peaceful, pristine, pulchritudinous – okay, maybe I’ve gone too far with the alliterations!!!!  Anyway, that is how it was during the day.  I took a nap in the tent and when I woke up dusk had settled on the world around me.  I looked around looking for a flashlight and a sense of dread overwhelmed me.   As I stood outside of the tent flap  I remember catching my breath as I looked away from the moons reflection illuminating off of the lake and glimpsed the towering pines I needed to enter.  I purposefully began to move forward, humming to myself.  Music often brings me equanimity, I KNEW I could walk up that dark path, and music would help.  I heard a twig snap, the rustle of leaves, the waves lapping the rocks, the squeaks of the fruit bats.  My imagination, and boy do I have a twisted imagination in the dark, took over.  I heard someone panting (never taking into account that it most likely was coming from me) and heard the twigs snapping closer and closer.  I began to run up the hill as the trees began to grow taller and more menacing within my minds eye.  The trees reached for me, I was not one with the forest and the forest let me know it.  I began to sing “The Spirit of God Like a Fire is Burning” at the top of my lungs, back then I’m not sure why I chose that song – but in retrospect I was subconsciously calling out for protection and a fire.  A fire to lead me forward, to save me from the darkness, to provide me with warmth as the chill of the night seeped into my weary teenage soul.  And it was the communal campfire that I saw at the end of my escape from the woods.  I hunched over, hands grasping my knees as I breathed in great gulps of air.  I felt my heart slow down as I looked at the campfire blazing yards in front of me.  I stood up and calmly walked into the crowd of children, teens and adults enjoying s’mores and hot chocolate.  No one, until now knew the torture my mind had just put myself through!

Last year the monsters in my closet interrupted my life, and the post I wrote gave me the ability to find peace.  Today, this post reinforces that process.

Each year during the month of February I begin a downward spiral.  I always contributed it to winter, you know that excuse brought on my the lack of sunshine and warm weather?  I’ve been struggling like I always do.  At least it was sadness, lethargy, and hopelessness – not rage – that I felt.  I worked towards pulling myself out of the hole my anxiety and depression often dig, then last week a major monster in my closet sent me a text.  About six months ago I sent him a message letting him know that I no longer wanted any type of relationship with him.  I blocked him from Facebook, and blocked his phone number.  It felt good not to see or hear anything from him.  I felt free.  I didn’t recognize the phone number, and I started to read the message out of curiosity.  I figured out who it was from almost immediately, I should have handed the phone over to my husband and have him delete it without even reading it.  However, like a train wreck you are unable to look away from, I finished the text.

Part of it made me wrinkle my forehead in consternation.  What the, what???? (Like how he is a mule, and refers to himself as Gideon – although that is far from his real name.) Other comments provoked my PTSD, which affected my personal relationships, and environment.   Once again I felt betrayed, and raked over the coals.  He sparked my anger when I read the words: “I am ready to meet Heavenly Father, are you?”   He then fanned my anger into full fledged rage when he called me to repentance.  I’m still dumbfounded.  How can an innocent be brought to repentance?  Why would they have the need. Granted, I am full of faults and daily seek to make amends.  However, I have no need to make amends to this monster.  Today in my therapy session I realized that the emotional scars inflicted by this man may have informed my past but don’t need to steer my future.

“Scars remind us where we’ve been. They don’t have to dictate where we’re going.”   David Rossi (yes, the fictional character on Criminal Minds.)

The message has now been expunged from my phone, the number blocked from my phone, I’ve put some soothing balm on my scar.  It is apart of me, has made me stronger.  I’ve taken a walk with Zoe, the first in weeks.  I’ve written in my blog, the first in months.  I’m feeling again, and I find the fog of depression dissipating.  Oh, it is still lingering, and I will need to apply myself to my therapy program, but I know that I am stronger than I think!!!!!

I have applied my monster spray.  Although time healed my wound, I still have a scar, and sometimes it pesters me. I also know that there is a campfire waiting for me – ready with it’s warmth, and light.

Thanks to my campfire – You All know who you are.

 

The Doctor Said What???????

I’m the one wearing orange, next to my sister wearing a hat.

From an early age I have struggled with my weight.  During both of my pregnancies I dealt with gestational diabetes.  A few years later I found out that I now have Type II diabetes, just like my parents!!!!  I find it interesting that during my pregnancies I stayed on top of my sugars.  I counted my carbohydrates religiously.  When most women gained weight I lost weight.  Heck, after my daughter was born I was smaller than I had been when I married my husband.  I even tried on my wedding gown, and smiled when it actually fit.  I should have continued the diabetic diet, for soon I gained all my pre-pregnancy weight – plus some.

Yesterday I received a wake up call from my doctors office.  I am in the early stages of Diabetic Peripheral Neuropathy, meaning that I have nerve damage in my feet and hands.   I am now waiting for my A1C numbers to come back to tell me what my blood sugars have been doing in the last 3 months.  I have not been pricking myself every day like I should, and now I am paying the price.  Well, that and I haven’t been eating very healthy.  In fact I ate a scrumptious piece of peach cobbler the day before my appointment.  My taste buds really enjoyed it, I am pretty sure my pancreas did not!!!!!!

My first SMART goal of the year:  Managing my Diabetes!!!!!

Specific – In order for me to manage my diabetes I want to start following a diabetic diet.  This will include 3 meals and 2-3 snacks per day staying within 20-60 carbs.  I will begin an exercise program.  I will check my blood sugars at least once a day.  Make a list of foods that I need to avoid

Measurable – I will keep a food journal to keep track of the foods I eat, my carbohydrate intake, my daily exercise, and my blood sugar numbers, and my moods.  By keeping track of these things I will be able to discern how my sugars are affecting my moods, I will be able to find patterns in unhealthy eating – and find out what my triggers in regards to food choices.  The outcome I am looking for is to keep my blood sugars in check, to not have the nerve damage increase, and hopefully to lose weight.

Attainable:  I know that there are several obstacles that may block my path.   We need a family meeting to discuss how managing my diabetes will affect our family eating habits.   Certain foods and snacks are triggers for me. I know that mood affects my eating habits.  I need to find a support system that works.

Relevant/Realistic:   For me this part of the goal is the hardest.  How do I measure whether my goals are relevant or realistic.  I know that managing my diabetes is crucial to my overall well being (physical and mental).  I have young children, and I want to be there both physically and emotionally for them.

Time Bound:  Keeping my goals timely or time bound will help me stay focused on what I want to accomplish.  I know that I can devote the time and energy to managing my health.  I can keep track of my progress.  For me there are several factors in having this goal be timely.

• DAILY –  I will check my sugars when I first wake up in the morning and after meals.  After meals I will write what I have eaten and how many carbs/calories.
• WEEKLY – Each Friday I will review my food journal.
• MONTHLY – I will revisit my SMART goal and see where I am.
• QUARTERLY – Check my A1C

There you have it!  I guess you could say that 2015 is the year that I work on creating a better me – I will follow my treatment plan for depression and anxiety, I will maintain a clean and organized home, I will manage my diabetes.   I am making a commitment to myself, and my family.

 

From Negative to Positive – Part VI Escaping the House of Mirrors

The problem with waiting to write a post is that not only does the flow of thought begin to wane, but so too does my motivation.  I sat looking at my computer for about fifteen minutes trying to decide if I was going to completely erase all posts for this series, combine the posts into one, or finish the series.  I decided finish!!!!

Reviewing my last post I realize that the resentment, anger, abandonment and other feelings that I felt when my husband asked me if he could take a nap could be boiled down to a few cognitive distortions.

Negative: I jumped to conclusions when I saw my husband in his office and not waiting for me to talk.  Come to find out, he was working on my list of things I wanted help with.  I became a mind reader (I’m really good at it, too) and just knew that he wasn’t planning on helping me let alone talking to me.  He was shutting me out!  WRONG!!!!!

Positive Counter-statement:  The next time I notice an expression on my husbands face, or see him behaving in a manner I don’t quite understand I will ask what he is thinking/doing instead of jumping to conclusions.

Negative: I totally used Should Statements.  I know that I am not the only one that does the dishes.  In fact, when I am in the depths of my depression my husband is the one that cleans up.

Positive Counter-statements: The thought I am having is not a healthy, rational, nor a truthful statement.  Instead I am going to focus on the times that my husband has helped me with the dishes.

Negative: I labeled  my husband a jerk for wanting to take a nap instead of helping me with my chores.

Positive Counter-statements:  My husband provides for our family.  He supports me when . . .

Now that I identified the cognitive distortions and came up with positive counter-statements I began to calm down and think rationally.  We were able to discuss things rationally and came to a better understanding of one another.  This has led me to a new SMART goal – when I find myself entering into the House of Mirrors I will do one of two things.

Work in progress

1.  Notice that the thoughts are distorted, stop and ask questions, relax, write down the inner dialogue that led to negative feelings, identify the negative thoughts, write down positive counter statements.

2.  Sometimes I don’t have time to write everything down, or I don’t have paper and pencil.  These are the moments I can notice, stop, relax, and in my head identify the cognitive distortions and then come up with counter-statements.

Series:

• Part I – Introduction
• Part II – Becoming Aware
• Part III – Stop and Question.
• Part IV – Relax
• Part V – Write Inner Dialogue
• Part VI – Identify and write: Cognitive distortions and Positive Counter-Statements

 

Writing Down My Crazy Inner Dialogue! – Part V Escaping the House of Mirrors

I have learned that once I notice my distorted thoughts are creeping into my everyday life, I stop and ask myself questions.  I usually ask three questions: 1) What is the evidence for my distorted thoughts?  2) what is the worst that could happen?  3) Do I really want to stay upset?  What great questions.  Every once in a while there is evidence to bolster my thoughts, and I realize they are not so distorted, but that doesn’t happen very often.  Once I realize that I don’t want to stay upset I begin to relax and disrupt the train wreck that I am headed for.

The next step in the process of Identifying and countering negative self-talk is writing down the negative thoughts.  Generally I mentally think through the inner dialogue that led to the distorted image in the mirror.  However, the best way to process what is happening to me is to actually write the dialogue down.  Bourne (2010) states,

“It’s often difficult to decipher what you’re telling yourself by merely reflecting on it.  The act of writing things down will help to clarify what specific statements you actually made to yourself.” (pg. 209)

It is crucial to bifurcate (isn’t that a great word for separate?) the emotions from the actual flow of events.  That way you are able to first ask “What was I feeling?” followed by “What events led to the biased thoughts going through my mind?” finally you can ask “Why did these thought cause me to feel this way?”

The other day after dinner my husband asked me if it was okay for him to lie down and take a short nap.  I let him know that I still needed to finish cleaning up after dinner, get the children ready for bed, and two other tasks which I don’t remember at this point.  His response, “If I help with all that then it will be time for me to go to work, and I won’t get any rest.”  Inside I steamed.   I took a deep breath and remained calm.  I then asked him if we could come up with a compromise.  He agreed.  In the meantime our son Chase became angry at his sister for playing with his toy, and moved her away with his arms wrapped around her neck (unfortunately a common occurrence which terrifies me).  While I dealt with the children my husband meandered off into his sanctuary (the office) and I verbally erupted.  The situation escalated due to our faulty communication leading to intense anger on my part, followed by two days of bitter depression.  Unfortunately the need to clean my house led to extreme fatigue, factoring into a few days in the house of mirrors.

Lets Jump Into the Issue.

Following Bourne’s recipe for countering negative self-talk I now can analyze the emotions, write down the thoughts that led to the anger and depression, and finally figure out why these thoughts led to anger and depression.

Here we go:

Feelings:  resentment, abandoned, angry, overwhelmed.

Thoughts:  , “I always have to do the dishes.” I’m tired too, but you don’t see me taking a nap.”  “Because I am a stay at home mom I am responsible for taking care of everyone’s needs, both physical and emotional.”  “My husband doesn’t support me the way that I want him too.”

Why:  Ah, the crux of the problem.

I find myself doing the majority of the dishes lately.  We are still working on a routine, and Scott is trying to factor in his need for sleep (he works the graveyard shift) with our new routine .

Right now due to my acute depression and anxiety I find maintaining a job rather difficult.  We have arranged for me to stay at home while I work on my recovery.  My husband works from 9pm to 6am, he gets home and helps me get the children ready for school. At that point he sleeps from about 8:30am to 3pm.  The day this event occurred he had an afternoon meeting at work, he got maybe 3 hours of sleep.  (Thinking about this now makes me cringe, and sends me into another distorted thought – I’m a horrible wife, I should have let him fall asleep – Which I will process and get back to my post. . . . . . . Okay, back to my post!!!).  I received a full 8 hours of interrupted sleep (small children, sleep-apnia which I need to get my cpap machine replaced, night terrors, etc), and awoke at 6am to start my day.  I felt physical exhaustion from my housecleaning tasks, and extreme anxiety which happens at dinner.  This is an inherited emotion.  Meals while growing up were often chaotic, I’m the oldest of six.  I watched my mother cater to my father, and after their divorce my step dad.  I felt that she would get unaccountably frustrated with me and my siblings (she had six kids in nine years).  I mean, six kids!!!!!  I try to manage my two (three every other weekend) and get totally uptight.

When it came to asking my husband to help with the four tasks his assumed rejection brought up the differences in our task completion. When it comes to doing things we find ourselves on opposite sides of the spectrum.  We have very different ways of completing things.  Ask me later about how he built cabinets when I asked him to help clean the kitchen (this happened 8 years ago and I am still holding a grudge).  I have learned that my love language is receiving acts of service.  When he helps me out I feel loved and cherished.  In this situation I felt totally unsupported when he told me that he wouldn’t get any sleep if he helped me.

What Next:

Now that I have written down the events, the emotions, and the negative inner dialogue I am ready to move on to identifying the negative self-talk.  Hopefully it won’t take a few weeks to write that post (hahahahahahaha).

Series

• Part I – Introduction
• Part II – Becoming Aware
• Part III – Stop and Question.
• Part IV – Relax
• Part V – Write Inner Dialogue
• Part VI – Identify and write: Cognitive distortions and Positive Counter-Statements

 

Relax the Bow or it will Snap – Part IV Escaping the House of Mirrors

The past week has been a flurry of activity.  A behavior I inherited from my childhood includes a clean house before we decorate the Christmas tree.  February my PTSD triggered a black hole in my emotions and my house became a den of stuff.  My trip to intensive therapy led to the impetus of a major house overhaul.  From November 2nd to right before Thanksgiving I made minimal effort to cleaning the house.  Mainly because my therapy lasted from 9am to 1:15pm every day for three weeks.  Talk about emotionally exhausting.  I managed a load of laundry, shining my sink, and two bags of trash each day.  That was it!  However as Thanksgiving approached I knew I needed to knock things up a notch.  In our family we always put up the tree when my oldest comes for Thanksgiving (this year he spent Thursday with his mother and Friday with us).  I realized I had to get busy, and I started with the kitchen.  I soon realized that it was impossible to put the tree up by Friday.  It is December 10th and the tree sits in the trailer filled with other purged items.  When my husband began cleaning in our bedroom where we storage space built into our ceiling (it was a weird addition to the room but it works) he discovered that the tree housed spiders and their lovely webs.  Five years ago he received a bite from a brown recluse that put him in the hospital for two weeks.  He doesn’t like spiders.  I think throwing the tree into the trailer was the easiest decision he made in this purge process of ours.

Anyways, Back to this past week (yes, I even tend to be long winded in person and have to set up the scene for almost every conversation.  Annoying right!!!).  I’ve put cleaning the house as my number one priority, after caring for my children’s physical and emotional needs (except homework, I just can’t handle sitting down and doing second grade math right now – too confusing).  Each day I write on our whiteboard the tasks that I have completed.  At the end of the day I look over it and the negative self-talk begins it’s lies.  “I haven’t done enough”, “I should have wiped out the cupboards today instead of taking a nap (after only five hours of sleep the night before)”, “The house isn’t ever going to get clean, this is hopeless” and the list of thoughts go on.

I now am noticing that these negative thoughts are encroaching upon my emotions and stop to ask those important questions: Why am I saying these things to myself? Do I want to continue putting myself down?   Do I really want to stay upset?  What have I really accomplished?  It is now time to relax and disrupt these negative thoughts.

My top ways to disrupt these thoughts and images (yes, sometimes they come as images) include:

1. deep abdominal breathing.  Oh, I think I do more of these than anything else.
2. Progressive muscle relaxation there are many options out there for this, I actually have some audio versions that I listen to sometimes before I go to bed at night after a stressful day.
3. I go for a walk.  If I’m really off I go alone, if I just need a breather I take my service dog Zoe out with me.
4. Take a fifteen minute time out.  I love seeing the expression on my children’s faces when I tell them “Mommy is putting herself on a time out.”
5. One of the best things that I do is call my mom.  A support person is incredibly beneficial.
6. Snuggle with the kiddos, or hubby.
7. When everything else fails, take a nap.

I know this is a really short list.  I am taking a fifteen minute break from cleaning my house, and my time is up.  I know in the future I will write more indepth on creating a SMART goal for integrating relaxation excercize into my daily life.

• • Part I – Introduction
  • Part II – Becoming Aware
  • Part III – Stop and Question.
  • Part IV – Relax
  • Part V – Write Inner Dialogue
  • Part VI – Identify and write: Cognitive distortions and Positive Counter-Statements

 

When Push Comes to Shove

Since leaving my treatment program the week before Thanksgiving I slowly worked on improving the house and letting go of treasures as old as I am.  Some were easier to give up than others, and some I just couldn’t bare to part with. 

About a week ago events occurred which accelerated the cleaning process. An acquaintance from church lent us their 20 cubic foot trailer, and we got busy filling it up.  Twice!

Our oldest showed his strength by hauling 38 bags of trash to the trailer.

10 days later our house is making progress.  The boys room is in awesome shape.  Zoe, our service dog loves to play in there, chasing his toys.  We have learned not to leave stuffed anything around him.  He shredded a pillow, a cushion to my daughter’s princess chair, and all of his stuffed animals.  More things for the trailer. 

The kitchen is clean, even the floors and appliances.  I have to say I am really proud of this room.

I found a spot for the pots

The living room, my daughter’s room, and my bedroom are works in progress, but they are almost there.  Laundry room – well, let’s just say that it hasn’t been touched.  But, progress is being made.  To be honest when we are done the house will be cleaner and more organized then when we moved here five years ago.

 

The Socratic Method – Part III Escaping the House of Mirrors

Part III Escaping the House of Mirrors Series

Once I acknowledged that right there in the middle of Jack and the Box I was letting negative self-talk take over my emotions I paused for a moment and asked myself “Are these emotions good for me?”  “Are they rational?”  What “What is the evidence that I am a bad mom?”  Etc. . . . Little did I know that I applied the Socratic Method to my thoughts. I found this out the very next day.  Hmmmmm!!!!! Socrates taught his students brilliantly.  He made them question everything, to analyze the world around them and to use critical thinking skills to open their minds.  Therapists use the Socratic Method :

Which involves the creation of a series of questions to a) clarify and define problems, b) asist in the identification of thoughts, iages and assumptions, c) examine the meanings of events for the patient and d) assess the consequences of maintaining maladaptive thoughts and behaviors.  By Gustavo Araujo

I have been in therapy off and on for the past thirty years.   Looking back the most effective therapists have used this method with me.  I wish they had taught me how to do it myself.  Thankfully I had a mental breakdown a month ago and ended up in a program in which I finally learned some techniques that work.  Okay, only part of me is factitious there, just wanted to let you know. II learned that I could use this method to develop a sense of what is happening in my mind. My favorite questions include:

• What is the very worst that could happen? At the restaurant the worst that could happen would be that Chase would begin acting violently or aggressively, I could raise my voice and yell at him, I could walk him out to the car and I would go hungry as we waited for the rest of the family to join us, he would scream the entire time we were in the restaurant.
• What would I do if the worst happened?  I would cry, calm myself down, stay away from the customers so that they were not disturbed.
• Are I being fully objective?  Not really, and I’m also thinking a bit irrationally.
• Am I having a distorted thought, or am I thinking rationally?  The first time I removed him from the crowd I know that I was thinking rationally, but each subsequent time my rationality slowly went down the drain and I dove off the deep end in my thinking.  Fortunately I asked myself this question and immediately began to write in my journal.  
• There are a bunch of other questions I could ask myself, including the ones found in Bournes book Anxiety and Phobia Workbook.  Also Dr. Bridgette Ross had some really thought provoking question on her blog. You might want to check her out!

These work for me.  Since magnification seems to be my number one distorted thought I have found it helpful to stop for a moment and think about the worst case scenario.  Before therapy I never asked the other three questions.  I would stop at that first question.  I am a bit of a drama queen.  I remember playing with my bears and dolls in our living room in Arkansas at about the age of five.  For some reason I started thinking about what would happen if my brown bear died.  All of a sudden I totally felt the full panorama of emotions – what would happen at the funeral, what would I do without my bear.  My life was over.  I don’t remember how I got out of the negative emotions, but I find it interesting that this memory hopped into my brain 35 years later.  I had distorted thoughts as young as 5?  I’m grateful for my therapy program, and for a friend suggesting Anxiety and Phobia Workbook.  Being able to stop and question my thoughts has been invaluable.

Once I recognized that irrational thoughts were taking over I took a deep breath.  My husband then came over and offered to take him on a walk.  Why didn’t I think of that????????   At least I was then able to relax and begin the arduous task of distracting myself.

Linked with the following posts:

• Part I – Introduction
• Part II – Becoming Aware
• Part III – Stop and Question.
• Part IV – Relax
• Part V – Write Inner Dialogue
• Part VI – Identify and write: Cognitive distortions and Positive Counter-Statements

 

All Day in the Kitchen

This last week I have focused more on the kitchen then any other room, mainly because my family wanted turkey on Friday.  We waited until Friday so that our oldest son could be with us.  I scrubbed the table, and finally got the entire sink and counters cleared off.  Now that the kitchen is starting to shine I feel like I am spending all day keeping it that way.  I started the crockpot this morning, made spaghetti for lunch as a special request from our oldest and then the pot roast for dinner.  I’m exhausted and feel like I spent all day in the Kitchen (expect for a four hour break to go to church).  At least my sink is shined.

Tomorrow is another day, and I’ve decided to take a break from the kitchen.  Leftovers for dinner!!!!  And lunch for that matter.

 

Becoming Aware of the Possible Train Wreck – Part II Escaping the House of Mirros

Part II – Escaping the House of Mirrors Series

The other day we had errands to run.  The hubby and I packed our two youngest in the car (our oldest lives most of the time at his mother’s house) and headed out to the store to purchase the ingredients for our Thanksgiving Feast (as *Emma calls it).  *Chase managed marvelously in the store.  We put him in charge of pushing the kid sized cart.  Emma also had one. I found it humorous how my husband and I kept the two of them from crashing into each other.  We headed out to grab a bite to eat before heading
out to Joann’s for their before Thanksgiving sale.  We ended up going to a place that is not normally on our repertoire of fast food joints.  Chase and my hubby tend to have a short list they prefer.  We entered the restaurant and Chase informed us rather loudly that he wanted cheese roll-ups at Taco Bell (that kid could live off of cheese roll-ups).  What followed creates a perfect focal point for this series – yup, you guessed it.  Feelings of embarrassment, irritation, pain for my son,  anger and belittlement overwhelmed me as Chase began to yell, stomp and argue.  Behind us a line formed, waiting to place their orders.  I directed Chase out into an area away from the crowd.  I let him know that if he didn’t want to eat here we would go to Taco Bell afterward.  He calmed down.  We walked back into the crowded lobby and my son melted down again.  I think we went out three times before it hit me.  Distraction.  I moved him to a table.  My husband sat a soda down in front of Emma and somehow Scott spilled the entire mega cup all over the table.  We ended up moving to another table.  By this time I found  my anxiety spiraling out of control and I caught myself in the act of listening to the distorted thoughts in my head.  I became aware that my emotions headed toward a possible train-wreck.

I know that certain situations are a quagmire for my negative emotions to take complete control over me.  This is where knowing my triggers for anxiety come in handy.  Can I add another one to my list – if it isn’t there?  Taking my children out in public.  Yup.  Huge!!!!  I can prepare myself for difficult tasks or going to places that cause me anxiety (church, restaurants, grocery stores, cleaning my house, blah, blah, blah.)  When I make mistakes or start berating myself I now am able to recognize that at some point my critical self flagellation affects my emotions and moods.  When I am feeling angry, depressed, discouraged, embarrassed, ashamed, or a plethora of other negative emotions it is now possible to make note that I headed towards a downward spire.

By noticing when I am experiencing cognitive distortions I am able to recognize which of my many personalities is coming to the forefront.

• Is the Worrier emerging?   Bourne explains that “the Worrier’s dominant tendencies include 1) anticipating the worst, 2) overestimating th odds of something bad or embarrassing happening, and 3)creating grandiose  images of potential falure or catastrophe.  The Worrier is always vigilant, watching with uneasy apprehension for any small symptoms or signs of trouble”  (pg. 182).
• What about the Critic? “The Critic generates anxiety by putting you down for not being able to handle you panic symptoms, for not being able to go places you used to go, for being unable to preform at your best, or for having to be dependent on someone else.  It also likes to compare you with others and usually see them coming out favorably.  It tends to ignore your positive qualities and emphasizes your weaknesses and inadequacies” (Bourne, Pg. 182).
• How about the Perfectionist?  This shows up when you begin using the should statements.  The perfectionist tells you that you aren’t good enough, and that your efforts aren’t worthwhile.  “The Perfectionist is the hard-driving part of you that wants to be best and is intolerant of mistakes or setbacks” (Bourne, 183).  It controls your self worth by telling you that you must have vocational success, money, be liked and accepted by everyone.  It is exhausting!
• Or am I just being the Victim?  “The Victim is that part of you that feels helpless or hopeless.” (Bourne 182)   You feel defective, not good enough, unworthy.  This is the part of you that complains, gripes, feels regret, and believes that the situation is a never ending problem with no light at the end of the tunnel.  Depression is often accompanied by this sub-personality.

Thinking back on the situation I had all four sub-personalities rearing their ugly heads in the restaurant  What followed was a moment of clarity.  I stopped. Join me next time as I discuss how I used the Socratic Method to pause the maelstrom.

• Part I – Introduction
• Part II – Becoming Aware
• Part III – Stop and Question.
• Part IV – Relax
• Part V – Write Inner Dialogue
• Part VI – Identify and write: Cognitive distortions and Positive Counter-Statements