Part of seeking treatment for my PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, and Mood Disorders is taking responsibility for my own part in my recovery. I have a very hard time letting go. Letting go of emotions, people, memories, and even things.
My daughter made this beautiful piece of art. It is a tree in the midst of Autumn. I knew it would add to our clutter, but I felt guilty throwing it away. If I kept every piece off kids art work my house would look – um never mind it is already there.
Part of “SMART Living” to me means accepting responsibility. Two weeks ago I would have said my house is filled with clutter. Today I stand up and with utter embarrassment and admit that I have a problem.
I hoard. I grasp and cling to items that bring back warm memories. I have multiples off the same item because I NEED that item and can’t find it. Three weeks ago in the depths of my despair I couldn’t get myself to wash clothes. I COULDN’T send my children to school in dirty clothes. I ended up going to the store and buying new clothes and my children were tarddy. Now my laundry pile is even bigger.
I’m two weeks into the beginning of my recovery process. My mental illnesses are chronic and lifelong -but for the first time in years I truly feel real hope.
Today I took a picture of my daughter’s art, then threw it away. I came inside and started a load of laundry. I found a quilt we received when my daughter was born. She is five and it is the perfect snuggle blanket. The quilt received irreparable damage, yet the thought of throwing it out sent me into situational anxiety. I breathed deeply and approached my five year old.
“Honey, this quilt is ruined. Is it okay if I throw it out and get you a new one?” I held tightly to the pink Strawberry Shortcake quilt and part of me hoped she would insist on keeping it. My daughter surprised me.
“Sure mommy, you can throw it away. I’m going to go wash Rainbow Dash’s pony tail.”. She then skipped off into the bathroom to play in the sink.
Where was the emotional outburst? Where was the attachment she must have had?
How could my five year old do in seconds what I’ve been trying to do for months?
My Smart Goal for the day is to
S-sort through my closet and get rid of the clothes that no longer fit, the clothes I wore 20 years ago in Brazil, the outfit i wore the day I met my husband, the jeans I wore the first time I held my new nine months old son of my heart. I will begin the process of letting go. I made
two piles and threw out all but one thing. I found it difficult but
Achievable: I about cried tossing those things away. Fortunately my husband was there to hug me. I found relief. This is an important step in de-cluttering my house. I knew the time had come and the task was accomplished in minutes.
I can do this. I can let go of the clothes Getting rid of them doesn’t erase the memories.